the past can be difficult at times especially when all your thoughts came flowing back suddenly in the middle of the night when most people are already in their beds. and i still do wonder whether i feel anything for _____ anymore, its been crazy everytime come to think about it. do i keep myself as busy as possible, a way for self denial escaping from a certain thing i dont wish to accept, or rather succumb to it. highly questionable since im in the situation of middle of nowhere. its so contradicting and i dont even understand myself. i am so 348957546 times unpredictable. okay, i think im trying to be consistent now. i wanna feel happy for the fact that she's move on and got herself a pretty decent guy right now actually, and carry on and start thinking of the life i wanna live. i dont really care relationships(so please stop asking/giggling/or making silly attempts to matchmake/my hair when so many people said its ugly or im wearing pretty ugly today or whatsoever. i just wanna go back to the life, where i can play pingpong like regularly, training with those guys and be at competitions and compete with people i even know. friends to go out with, doing stupid and craziest ever thing on the streets, fun and stuff. home to chill in and play my stupid games i have. i think what im lacking now is that something new and special that will keep me all going again. that spark that will make me consistent towards the objectivity im working on. so fingers crossed this time, really hard. its been long overdue, i know.